Divide and Conquer

ABOVE: Evil Genius laughing with glee at her shrewd manipulations

My three year old daughter recently discovered the most potent weapon to battle the intransigence of parents. I knew the day would come, but so soon? If Mommy or Daddy says “no,” go to the other one. And lie.

At dinner one evening, my daughter insisted on having three separate drinks at the table – water, milk and orange juice. For whatever reason, Mommy thought it was fine to honor the request. Since then, she has demanded similar beverage service at each meal. I decided that this was ridiculous, so the other night I told her she could only have two drinks at the table at any one time. I told her that Daddy only has one and Mommy only has one, so she can make do with two. She had milk and water, and was demanding orange juice. I told her she had to make a choice, give up one if she wanted orange juice to replace it. You would have thought that I had offered her ‘Sophie’s Choice’ with all of the drama that ensued. We proceeded to have a ten minute discussion/debate over the issue. I was making very cogent arguments as to why two beverages should be sufficient, but she kept countering with “but I need three drinks, Daddy.” “Why?” “Because I need three drinks, Daddy” (very matter of fact and staring me straight in the eye and with a slight hint of exasperation and irritation, like she is the authority and I am the child needing the explanation). My wife started to look fatigued, she started to look like she might give in and bring the orange juice. No! We must not have any weakness along the battle lines. Never surrender! I was willing to hold my ground for the next three hours if need be. You must sacrifice either your water or milk if you want orange juice! Life is about hard choices that must be made. It is about sacrifice. This was not a question of mere refreshments. It was a primal power struggle, a battle of indomitable wills. The very question of ultimate familial authority was a stake…for some reason my wife could not see this and thought we were just arguing over drinks.

But my daughter knew what was at stake. Oh yes. Sensing weakness, she pounced like Patton bursting through the French forests. She went straight for the Mommy flank. Only, she still has not mastered the art of secrecy. In front of both of us, and I quote verbatim, she says “I want Daddy to go upstairs so I can have three drinks, Mommy.” Mommy says, after much laughter, “did your Daddy say you could have three drinks?” And with the cutest, wide-eyed look of pure innocence and sweetness, she answered “Yes, he did. Daddy said I need three drinks.” This is right after she and I had argued for ten minutes on the issue with Mommy sitting right there. I thought my position had been clear.

Now, replace two vs. three beverages at the dinner table with staying out until 2 a.m., going out with her new ex-con boyfriend, or driving to New Orleans for a weekend with her friends. We need to show strength now, with these issues, before she thinks she can dictate the terms later. It’s always about more than the drinks. Oh, I can’t wait until the teenage years.