Maurice vs. Winston

When two people love each other, the normal course of events is courting, marriage, and the coming together of two lives in harmony and contentment. But this does not necessarily mean that the others in their respective lives want to be thrown together. This is often a serious issue if you have children from previous marriages…or if you have pets who were perfectly happy with your bachelor lifestyle. Such is the case in our household.

In this corner…I present to you Maurice. My cat. I am the only living creature, human or otherwise, that Maurice can stand. Most of the time he will cuddle with me and purr like a motor. He will tolerate other humans from a distance, but when they make the mistake of thinking they can cozy up to him, his claws and teeth let them know otherwise. He is ornery, aloof at times, and the most selfish of living creatures. He is also my favorite non-human on earth. I am secure enough in my masculinity to say that I prefer cats over dogs. I admire their independence, in general I think they are beautiful creatures, and I am fascinated by their finely honed instincts and skills. The perfect animal.



In the other corner…Winston. My wife’s dog. He is genial to the point of stupidity, like many dogs. He is a King Charles Cavalier Spaniel, bred for the sole purpose of being cute, chasing balls and sitting in your lap. He indiscriminately loves all humans. He would sit in my wife’s lap or Idi Amin’s lap with equal pleasure. A whore, in other words. Yet when he is confronted with other dogs or cats, he must assert his dominance (which consists of barking loudly). He is not a very imposing figure, so it is somewhat amusing to watch. I have grown to really dig Winston, especially when he sees other dogs on the TV and charges the screen to confront them.



So, my wife and I decided we would try to integrate the dog and the cat. How has that worked out? We now have one of those baby gates at the bottom of the stairs, and the cat resides upstairs while the dog hangs out downstairs. To be honest, I was very disappointed with the outcome of the battle. Maurice is a big dude (being part mainecoon, which is the largest domestic cat breed), so Winston and Mo are comparable in size. With my confidence in the superiority of cats, with Maurice’s sometimes violent nature, plus the fact that he is still fully armed with his claws…I would have put large sums of money down on the fact he would slaughter Winston in a face to face duel. The idea was that they should be thrown together, let them have their confrontation, and then they would establish some sort of natural hierarchy and understanding. Maybe even grow to respect and like each other.

I stood by with haughty confidence, while my wife was quivering in fear that the cat would casually rip the dog’s cute little bulging eyes right out of the sockets with one deft swipe of his deadly talons. So here is how it went down: Winston barked loudly and Maurice ran off like a little pussy. We then closed them in a small room with no obvious escape routes. Alright, Maurice was just a little surprised, that’s all. Now let’s see what happens…Winston barked loudly and my cat cowered like a little pussy. This is the same cat that has to be held down by three people and fights through sedation like a mofo at the vet. Dammit Maurice. You can’t beat up a little Spaniel? Winston, on the other hand, turned from a genial furry idiot to an animal that would have made Michael Vick proud.

We have tried many times to see if they can co-exist, but it always ends with Maurice scampering away, terrified. So in the end, we have let them have their own territories. Winston runs around downstairs, and Maurice rules the upstairs. He watches somewhat perplexed from the safety of the stairway as Winston chases thrown balls endlessly below. And such is peace in our time.