Suicidal Thoughts

One of my wife's oldest friends killed herself this last week. Well, probably. It was an overdose of pills and she had been troubled and had discussed it over the years. I can't comprehend the depths of despair one reaches to make that decision. I like to think that I have been through some emotionally trying times where I also felt great despair, but suicide never entered my mind as an option. Even at my lowest point, which I remember well, I instinctively knew that it would eventually pass and things would get better. She isn't the only person I know who went down that path. I can think of two others that I knew fairly to very well, one of which was my aunt, who also chose to end things. One characteristic all three of these individuals had in common is that they were a bit crazy. I don't say that because of what they did at the end, I say that knowing all three for many years. So perhaps that explains it. Perhaps you have to be inherently irrational in some way to do that. Perhaps that prevents that instinct that always kicked in with me that realized that whatever was going on was only temporary and I'd get over it eventually and move on.

I don't think that I could ever do that in part because I have a healthy fear and uncertainty as to the Hereafter. I would categorize myself as an agnostic with a hope and openness to the possibility of a higher power. As a historian and teacher of history I have a natural inclination for study anyway, but part of why I have always loved reading about and discussing various faiths is because I still feel I am involved in an active search for my own beliefs. I've got good friends who are avowed athiests and I've got good friends who have strong faith in whatever their creed may be. Both groups seem somewhat irrational and a bit presumptuous to me. The only rational path is agnosticism. But at the same time agnosticism seems to be a holding pattern, a temporary stop until you can figure out a stronger position. I've been in that holding pattern for decades.

Faith (or lack thereof) is connected to the decision of suicide, I think. I don't know the faith positions of two of these people, but my aunt was brought up pretty strict catholic. My mother, her sister, left the faith awhile ago but has just rediscovered it and returned to the fold. I don't think my aunt went to church every Sunday, but I also don't think she gave up on her childhood beliefs. She was also an obsessive rule-follower. Hence her suicide was particularly perplexing. But she was the most nuts of these three people, so perhaps there is no understanding her thought processes. My aunt's was meticulously planned, while my wife's friend seemed more spur of the moment in a flood of emotion. In fact, my theory is that she half wanted to be saved, based on the text messages she sent out and the fact that she was very dramatic and craved attention.

I don't have any answers or great wisdom to share, I was just thinking about all of this stuff after this latest incident. But don't worry, back to the business of music soon, where I feel I am on much surer footing. RIP MKD, you were a firecracker of a woman with oceans of emotion, both up and down. I hope you found your peace.