Garage Sale Culture

Our garage was/is overflowing with stuff. When my wife saw that her father's neighborhood was having a neighborhood-wide garage sale, she convinced him to participate so we could sell a bunch of our crap at the sale. We loaded up two cars worth of items and drove it over to his driveway. Correction: I loaded up two carloads of items. We had a nice globe that I used to have in my law office, three side tables, clothes drying racks, my old bike, a filing cabinet, a fake tree, and bags full of clothing that our daughters have outgrown and some of my wife's castoffs as well. The main thing was this etagere that looked stylish in the 80's. It is huge, much taller than me, and it has lots of heavy glass that goes with it.

The garage sale is supposed to start at nine a.m. So I pull up to her Dad's place at about 8:15 to set up. But apparently nine means 8:15. As soon as I pull up and start unloading, the vultures start circling. The customers at garage sales come in waves. The true Professionals, I'm talking about the people who check the papers every week and hit every garage sale in town, are there at the start. And they have no time for chit-chat, because they've got to hit all of the sales in town early before the good stuff is gone. My wife did some research and found that you should ask for about 25% of whatever the item would be worth new, and then you can negotiate down to 20-15% (or whatever you are willing to go to). A lot of these people buy garage sale items, refurbish them and then turn around and resell them at flea markets.

So I am unloading from the car and this lady approaches purposefully and asks, "how much for the globe? What about the edger? What about the tables?" I had not even calculated what they all should go for yet. Her fat partner is in a truck waiting. "Are these for sale?" She points to framed pictures my father-in-law has on his garage wall. "No." I ask for $25 for the globe (I probably bought it for $80 new). She shouts out "25" to the fat lady in the truck. Fat lady shouts back "15!" "20!" I counter. "18!" Really? I said 25, you said 15, so we meet in the middle at 20, right? Fine. Take it for 18. The whole purpose of this sale was to get rid of stuff in the garage that has been taking up space for years. They are rapid fire with some other items and are gone within about two minutes. I still need to unload the car but they keep coming. Nine o'clock, you bastards!

Things finally get set up and I'm a bit more relaxed. Fat lady and her partner caught me off guard. But I'm ready now. I'm going to be tougher from here on out. My wife thought highly of her clothing, apparently, because her instructions to me were $5 per item of hers. When people ask how much for the clothes and I tell them five bucks each, they either stare blankly at me for a few seconds and then walk away or say something along the lines of "for this?" I quickly text my wife and tell her that she cannot sell her clothes for $5 each item. She reluctantly gives me permission to sell them at $3, and they start selling slowly but steadily.

I am really unsure on what to ask for the bike. I've had it since middle school, but it is a good Schwinn mountain bike. For several decades it has resided in various garages and storage units, and it is in OK but not great shape. New bikes online that look like it vary widely in price. Anyway, I sell it for about $40, and then a woman comes up to me and says "I would have paid you more for it. You need to be patient. You got taken" and walks off. Bitch. Now I'm on tilt, like I just lost a bad hand at poker.

The Professionals are gone by now, and then come the Specialists. These are people looking for only particular items. "Do you have any jewelry?" "Do you have clothing for five year old boys?" "Do you have medieval weapons?" I am able to satisfy people looking for clothing for girls 0-6 months old. I've got a lot of that.

There is a steady stream of cars that slowly cruise by, checking out your wares in the driveway. They look like they are either casing the house out for robbery or looking for hookers. It is rather insulting when they don't stop, though. They slow down, look over your merchandise, and then speed off. I know they are at a distance, but I swear I can see disdain on their faces for my items. I take it personally each time someone doesn't stop to look around.

After the Specialists are done, then you have your more casual folks just checking things out. They are the nicest. They actually will engage in casual conversation. What I cannot understand, though, is why nobody wants this amazing etagere. By noon, I have sold all of the major, large items. People come with trucks and trailors to load huge amounts of stuff. All I've got left are a bunch of clothes and the etagere. For each person who comes by, I explain all of the great things you could do with this etagere. Repaint it and it looks like new. It would look fantastic in the entry of a Chinese restaurant. I have to leave for an hour to help my wife with something, so I leave my father-in-law and his caretaker in charge, with instructions to ask for $35 but go to $30 on the etagere. And be sure to explain how awesome it is. I desperately want to sell this thing, because if I don't, I have to lift this monstrosity, strap it back to the top of my car, and take it back to my garage. When I return an hour later, it is still there. The caretaker tells me someone offered $25, but since I said $30, she said no. Dammit, I would now pay somebody to take it.

Around 2 p.m., it is all over. We got several hundred bucks for things that we didn't want anyway. I guess that is what a garage sale is for. And the buyers know you don't really want this stuff.

Anyone need an etagere? It looked really good in about 1987.