This little bastard has been the bane of my existence for the past week or so. We got a phone call from my oldest daughter’s daycare informing us that she had lice and that we needed to pick her up. My wife immediately went into crisis mode, and it felt like we were trying to contain an outbreak of the next killer virus.
We have spent several hundred dollars so far on different remedies and special combs and brushes. Tomorrow my wife will meet with a "lice specialist" for a 98% guaranteed delousing. One website stated that the average family spends close to $800 to get rid of these f***ers. They are tiny little creatures, and leave little white eggs in your hair that resemble, to me, dandruff. My daughter had quite a few eggs. When we picked her up at daycare she cheerfully told us that she had “bugs and eggs” on her head. She had a little friend who had it too. I am sure that the little friend was the source.
So, at night we have been washing every towel, bed sheet, blanket or piece of clothing. I have vacuumed the entire house, sofa, chairs about three times. You have to get these fine combs and spend about an hour going over every inch of the infected head to pick out these eggs. Then you have to use radioactive chemicals in your hair to kill the lice. Got to hand it to the wife, though. I don’t think the UN was this organized in the Balkans in the 90’s.
The problem is that it is easy to reinfect. Someone gets clean, but then someone else in the house gets infected. Then they reinfect the cleaned person. Etc. Etc. Etc. Etc. My daughter, my wife and I all got them. They don’t really harm you, they just itch. Fortunately, my youngest daughter doesn’t have them because she has very little hair. Which brings me to…
Last night my wife instructed me that we should take me “out of the equation.” What that means, she calmly told me, was that I should shave my head. Like Mr. Clean. Like Telly Savalas. Like Yul Brenner. Because I’m a man, she explained, this is not a big deal.
I told her I would go get a haircut, and she said that I at least needed to get a buzz cut, like I was some new recruit. I got a really short, but nice looking haircut and then returned home. This was not near enough. I was not helping the family, I was told. Why didn’t I care about helping the family?! So I went back out, but to a different barber, and asked for the real deal. I did not want to tell her it was for lice, so I made up a story about losing a bet on the recent Cowboys game. “You’re a Cowboys fan?” “Oh no. I bet that Denver would beat them by more than they did. I despise the Cowboys.” I made up an intricate story about gambling on football, explained spreads, betting haircuts, etc. She greatly admired me for keeping my word. So then I returned home for the second time that evening, with my second haircut and almost $50 later. I now have a buzz cut. I am now “out of the equation.” As I am sure she was instructed to do by her mother, my daughter said “Daddy, I like your new haircut.” Great, I don’t.
My students were a bit stunned when I went to work today. I told them I was getting ready for summer. Anyway, I am told it takes about a month to completely delouse a household. Although, as of last night my daughter didn’t seem to have any. When I dropped her off at school this morning, her little lice-friend ran up to her and gave her a big hug. Awesome.
2 comments:
That is a totally awesome story.
Did your students note that summer doesn't really enter into the picture for, uhm, six months?
I'm sure you know 100 times more about lice than I ever will, but doesn't rubbing your hair with mayonnaise supposedly kill them? Or is that urban legend.
I am pretty divided about you getting a buzz cut at your wife's behest. On one hand, it shows an admirable ability to get along, and make the other person happy. On the other hand, what about your golden tresses? That won you so many conquests on the Appian Way?
Curiouser and curiouser.
Yes, my students did note that. They would look confused, laugh hesitantly, and by then I was already into Hamilton's Bank.
Most of those home remedies are pretty useless, we have found/learned.
Thank you for noting my great sacrifice. What has irked me the most is that my wife continues to view my drastic haircut as not much of a big deal. "Your a man, you don't care." I went a third time yesterday to get it even shorter at the behest of the lice expert. She was actually pretty cool. I think/hope she took care of it. We just need to be vigilant and continue to comb and wash sheets.
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