RIP My Honda Accord, 2002-2013

It has served me well. But 185,000 miles later, with brakes going out in front and back, a leaky oil pump, the timing belt going out for a second time and, well, something vague wrong with the carburator, the cost of fixing it is twice the current value of the car. But that is not really what I want to write about.

These past two days my wife, my infant daughter and I have had the distinct privilege of spending our time in the rarified company of car salesmen. Fortunately, my older daughter has been either at Day Care or spending the day with her aunt, uncle and cousin (she came home from her cousin's house with pink hair, but seemed happy). Car salesmen get a bad rap, and most deserve every single bit of it. And then some. I won't bore you with a description of all of the cars that I test drove, because I don't give a sh*t about cars. But the salesmen are fascinating creatures. When you drive up to the dealership, they are hovering like vultures, although they have clearly worked out a system and take turns approaching each new customer.

Salesman #1: Laidback ex-college football player who blew out his knee. Nice enough, and not all that pushy at all. In fact, the opposite of pushy. As I test drove the car, he hardly said a word the entire time and did not try and sell the car at all. Generally, salesmen have a particular route they want you to drive the car, but he didn't care. I think I could have driven to Houston and back and it would not have fazed him. They are also supposed to take your drivers license and make a copy in case you try and steal the car or beat up the salesman while you are on the road. But this guy could have killed me with his left eyelid, so he also didn't bother with my identification. Yet when it came time to talk a deal, there was a quiet menace that fell over him. When it became apparent that his dealership did not have the color I wanted and that I was going to look elsewhere in town, a darkness came over his entire body for a moment, and then he went back to not caring. "You'll be back," he said. (Really).

Salesman #2: The next guy did not speak very much English. This is a disadvantage when trying to sell me a car. He was very excited to show me how the bluetooth worked (I don't care) and how my wife could sync her phone to the car's system (I also do not care). It started because I asked how I could play my ipod in the car. He spent 15 minutes on the side of the road showing us how to sync up a smart phone to the car and play music. It was very confusing, and did not really encourage us to want the vehicle. I kept asking, "but what about my ipod?" He kept replying, "I showing you, it great, let me show you, boss" (he kept calling me "boss," which I kind of liked). My wife asked a very good question, "by hooking up my phone, how does that talk to his ipod?" "Oh, plug ipod here." 15 minutes later. That is all I wanted to know. Where is the plug for the ipod, not how do I control the bridge of the Starship Enterprise.

Salesman #3: He was a recent immigrant from the Philippines, and way too nice to be a car salesman. On our test drive, I noticed that there was a massive wreck on the highway that would be a part of our return route. So I took an alternate route. I can see how this made him very nervous, since he was new to town and did not know his way around. I told him we could take some "backroads" to get back to the dealership and avoid the wreck. So I took charge and drove way off his route, and he kept acting very nervous, as if perhaps I was driving him to my hidden torture chamber or something. But he did tell me a bit about his life as a diplomat for 15 years, and he has an engineering degree. Now "I'm selling cars" in South Texas, he sighed. I felt bad for him and kept reassuring him that I really was taking him back to the dealership and not to a vacant lot where I planned to dismember him.

Salesman #4: The opposite of 1 and 3. Picture Jay Mohr, but more obnoxious. Super cocky and way too false friendly, where everything I said he overly agreed with ("oh yeah, most definitely!") Halfway through our test drive I really, really, really wanted to punch him in the face. If I did, I bet he would still be overly agreeable. He told me my daughter was beautiful about five times. She is, but f*ck you. She could have been a troll and you would have said the same thing. "What I'm really all about is getting you into the right car, the one that you are meant to drive..." When we started to walk out, he pulled out the big guns and called in his manager, who actually blocked the door in the office. "What can we do to make this happen?" he asks. You can start by not holding me hostage in this little office.

Salesman #5: This entire dealership was the most amateurish establishment I have ever been in. The salesmen we got looked like he was in high school, had borrowed his uncle's shirt and tie that was too big for him, and tried to make himself look older by greasing his hair back and growing a little man/boy mustache. He was showing us the car, and could not figure out how to put in the cover in the back that hides your belongings. My wife and I had to show him how to do it. We went inside, and at the desk next to us, the sleaziest salesman you have ever seen was trying to work over this poor young couple. My wife and I listened, transfixed, to his pitch. This was a scene that you think is only in the movies when they are trying to portray the most cliche, sleazy car salesman you could possibly imagine. The kind that you dismiss when they are onscreen, nobody is really like that. Yes they are. He pulled out every old trick, like looking at the young man and saying that he would not put his own daughter in the car they were considering, oh no, they need to be looking at this (more expensive) one over here. "I'm just bein' straight with you, I'm just telling you like it is." In fact, he said, his daughter "wept in gratitude" after he steered her to the right vehicle. This young couple reminds him of his own daughter, you see. My wife kept telling me to get out my phone and record this guy, he was that incredible. Then we go out to test drive our car, and our little salesman starts the engine and has to run back in and get something. The car dies. He returns. I told him the car is dead. It ran out of gas. The freaking car we were going to test drive ran out of gas in the car lot. He looked confused. We left.

Return to Salesman #1: Recall that he told us "you'll be back." Many hours later, I sheepishly walked back into his dealership and told him he was right. He just nodded knowingly. It is the patient fisherman who reels in the prize catch. My wife then proceeded to haggle with him for, really, six hours over everything imaginable. She is so awesome, I would have given in hours before out of boredom. They spent the last hour only $200 apart, but she got us a great deal. I did get to talk with him for awhile, and he is a former corrections officer. Of course. He then told me about some incredibly graphic crimes perpetrated by the inmates he used to guard. He told me that some tried to get chummy with him and said they would come to his house and hang out with him after they got out, and he told them "if you come within 10 miles of my house I will shoot you in the face." In his office, along the wall, he had about 20 different types of gun shells on display. I went out to change the baby's diaper, and when I returned I walked in to him finishing telling a story to my wife about some inmate who raped someone with a screwdriver. She was just nodding silently. He also told me that he was thinking of returning to the prison system. But we came to a deal and I bought a car from him. I liked him.