This Really Puts a Bur in My Saddle

The other night my wife and I were watching the evening news on one of the major networks, and they were covering the polygamist compound story out in west Texas. As usual, the smug reporters interviewed some locals about the situation, and naturally the interviewees were toothless, dumbass hicks.

It seems to me that whenever there is a national news story that takes place in Texas, they generally feature interviews with the most stereotypical man-in-a-trailer-park folks. You rarely see an articulate and sophisticated Texan interviewed for a national news story (I know, that includes our current president). Do they go and hunt down these yahoos on purpose?


ABOVE: Not every wealthy Texan is like J.R. Ewing

I acknowledge that these inbred yokels exist (in somewhat abundance) in the great state of Texas. For work in a previous job of mine, I had the opportunity to travel to all corners of the state. I recall a particular stop in some godforsaken town up in the Panhandle (the area near Amarillo) for a meal. On the outside, it looked like a quaint enough local diner. On the inside it was flies and toothless Deliverance-people staring at this city boy as he quickly finished his meal to get the hell out of there. So, yes, it exists.

But at the same time, we have huge cities and metro areas. The Dallas/Fort Worth metro area has 6 million people and is the 4th largest metro area in the country. Houston metro is at 5.6 million and is the 6th largest in population (it may be only behind Los Angeles in physical size). San Antonio metro is just shy of 2 million and is the second fastest growing city in the country (behind Phoenix). Dallas and Houston are two of the most cosmopolitan cities in the country, Austin is one of the hippest places in the country to be. Yet people still think of trailer parks, horses and oil rigs when you mention "Texas" to them.

I recall several years back watching a nationally-televised, important (for playoff purposes) NBA match-up between the San Antonio Spurs and the Dallas Mavericks. What visual do they choose to show before the start of the game? A dusty main street from some Old West town with, yes, a saloon and a freakin' tumbleweed blowing across the street. This is the visual the network chose for a game between teams representing city metro areas with a combined population upwards of 8 million people.


ABOVE: The skyline of downtown Dallas. Does this look like a dusty trailer park to you?

Honestly, I am somewhat torn on this issue. Part of me takes great pride in the idiosyncratic reputation Texas has (vs., say, being from Idaho). When traveling through Europe about ten years ago, young Europeans that I met were much more interested that I was from Texas than they were that I was American. Reruns of 'Dallas' were still popular over there, so I was questioned seriously about my horses and oil wells. Right there: it is cool to be from a place that people worldwide are interested in, but the stereotypes vastly overlook the cultural richness and sophistication (in certain pockets, like the metro areas) in this great state.

Dez's Picks: 'The Road Warrior' (aka 'Mad Max 2'), 1981

ABOVE: Mel 'sugar tits' Gibson stars as Mad Max

I admit that I have a weakness for post-apocalyptic films. The Road Warrior is the Citizen Kane of post-apocalyptic cinema. It is also one of the greatest pure action films on the planet. For those unfamiliar with the plot, it is very simple. The first film in the trilogy, Mad Max, featured a young Australian unknown by the name of Mel Gibson. Mel is Max Rockatansky, a cop in a not so distant future where society is falling apart and rogue biker gangs rule the highways. Max is also a family man (featuring some very cheesy domestic bliss scenes). To cut a long story short, his family gets mowed down by bikers, Max goes crazy with revenge, and the film ends. Mad Max turned out to be an unexpected international hit. In Australia it was followed by Mad Max 2, named The Road Warrior in America because nobody here saw the first one (not that you needed to; a narrator sums up the first film at the beginning of the second).

The Road Warrior opens with Max wandering the wastelands “a shell of a man”, surviving day by day. Things have further deteriorated to where there is no semblance of civilized society left. Max happens upon a desperate holdout band of folks defending their precious gas reserves from a vicious gang, led by the menacing Humungus. Gas = survival out here, because if you are not mobile you are dead. The Humungus and his gang will stop at nothing to get the "go-juice" being protected within the fortress guarded by this group of survivors. Through circumstance, Max is thrown in the middle of this battle, and he slowly rediscovers his humanity when he joins forces with this outpost group against the brigand gangs of the wastelands...blah blah blah. The Road Warrior is really about kick-ass action.


ABOVE: Beware of The Humungus

The final 30 minute or so climax is an adrenaline rush nearly unmatched in movies. In his famous review of the film, critic Roger Ebert dubbed The Road Warrior “one of the most relentlessly aggressive films ever made.” Recall this is all before computer effects. These stunts are real. The kinetic energy is so palpable, there is no substitute for the real thing, people. Forget George Lucas and his plastic planetary worlds and intergalactic video game-like battles. Director George Miller creates action that is made of dirt, sweat, blood and gasoline. (Or as they say in the film, "guzaline.")

BELOW: This compilation of action clips from all three Mad Max films (done to Motorhead's 'Ace of Spades,' a song which is not featured in the actual movies) gives you a taste of the adrenaline rush of which I speak...


The Road Warrior is a western set in the future, replacing horses with cars. Miller brilliantly does more with less, allowing the stark Australian desert to become as much a character as any of the humans who inhabit the picture. Mel Gibson’s Max is in almost every frame, but he barely utters word. Max is a post-apocalyptic Man With No Name, Clint Eastwood's immortal character from the Sergio Leone epics. The society-besieged-by-evildoers is as old as Kirosawa’s Seven Samurai through westerns like The Magnificent Seven.

The Road Warrior was followed by a horrible third entry, Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome, valuable for pure camp purposes. You can enjoy the minor low budget charms of the first film and enjoy the camp elements of the third…but The Road Warrior stands on its own as one of the most exhilarating action films ever made.

The Dream Gets His Due

Congratulations to Hakeem Olajuwon for getting inducted into the Basketball Hall of Fame this year. For me, growing up in Houston, Olajuwon of course looms large in Houston sports lore.


ABOVE: The Dream helped to win a gold medal for the U.S. in 1996

He emigrated from his native Nigeria to play for the University of Houston in the famed "Phi Slama Jama" era (along with Clyde Drexler). The Houston Rockets picked Olajuwon with the first pick of the 1984 draft (picking him over Michael Jordan, Charles Barkley and John Stockton). In the 1980's he formed half of the Twin Towers duo with Ralph Sampson. Once Sampson was traded, The Rockets became Hakeem's Team.

Side note: when I was living in Houston a few years back, I regularly got my car washed over at Dream Bros., a Houston car wash chain owned by Hakeem's brother (and funded by Hakeem's money, no doubt). They did a good job. I would often see a well dressed fellow, who had to be Hakeem's brother judging by size, walking around talking on his cell phone. In the office where you paid, they had Hakeem posters everywhere, including one that traced the footwork for his patented Dream Shake (more on that below).

Entering his prime years in the mid-1990's, Olajuwon became one of the greatest Centers to ever play the game. He led the Rockets to back-to-back NBA championships in the mid-1990's. Hakeem retired all-time NBA shot block leader, and in the top ten for scoring, rebounding and steals (the only player in the top ten of all four of those categories). His most famous move, the Dream Shake, was nearly unguardable. Hakeem himself explained: "The Dream Shake was actually one of my soccer moves which I translated to basketball. It would accomplish one of three things: one, to misdirect the opponent and make him go the opposite way; two, to freeze the opponent and leave him devastated in his tracks; three, to shake off the opponent and giving him no chance to contest the shot." Olajuwon is also noted for his impressive charity work and his devotion to his Muslim faith.

I've got a great memory of seeing Olajuwon play when I attended a game in the Western Conference Finals in 1995 here in San Antonio. The heavily favored Spurs were playing The Rockets in an epic series. It was the game where David Robinson was awarded the MVP trophy for the season amid much hoopla before tipoff. Then Olajuwon proceeded to destroy Robinson on the court. It was incredible to watch.

In my opinion, Olajuwon is the greatest Houston sports figure. Afterall, his Rockets are the only team out of the Rockets, Astros, Texans (or former Oilers) to bring a championship home to the city. (Yet The Rockets usually take a backseat to the ever-disappointing Astros or the even more disappointing NFL teams in the hearts of Houston sports fans).

Also inducted this year: Patrick Ewing, Pat Riley, Adrian Dantley, Bill Davidson, Cathy Rush and Dick Vitale.

RIP Moses, Col. Taylor and Ben-Hur, 1924-2008

Moses has died. I say this only half in jest, because when you think of the biblical Moses and try to picture him, what image comes to mind? Thought so. When we get much of our religion through popular culture, it is somewhat fitting that Charlton Heston's iconic performance as Moses in Cecil B. DeMille's The Ten Commandments is as good a reference point as any for humanizing the man who brought God's commandments down from the mountain.

Charlton Heston is now remembered as much for his political activism as he is for his performances, and both sides of his life should be appreciated. One of Heston's more famous remarks is that "I have a face that belongs in another century." Many of Heston's most lasting performances were in gaudy Hollywood historical epics where he took on roles of important historical figures, such as The Ten Commandments, Ben-Hur (for which he won an Oscar), El Cid, and many more.

But later in his acting career he forged a new identity in a series of classic and now cult favorite sci-fi/post-apocalyptic flicks. His Col. Taylor in The Planet of the Apes is just as iconic as Moses, but also check out 70's cult classics Soylent Green and Omega Man (an earlier version of I Am Legend).

I admire Heston more than most actors for his political activism, mainly because he went against the Hollywood grain his whole career. Early on he was a liberal activist, marching in civil rights marches and protesting against segregation in the South, as Heston himself said, "long before Hollywood found it fashionable." He was also an early critic of the Vietnam War. But by the 1980's he had shifted to the Right and became one of the few conservative voices in the wilderness in Hollywood. He was an outspoken critic of affirmative action, political correctness ("political correctness is tyranny with manners") and most famously he served as the president of the NRA between 1998 and 2003. I don't agree with all of his views, but I respect Heston for not going with the Hollywood flow and towing their political agenda.

ABOVE: "From my cold, dead hands." Now we can get the gun.

He developed Alzeimer's disease in the early 2000's, around the same time that Michael Moore infamously ambushed him for an embarrassing interview in Bowling For Columbine. He has been out of the public eye in recent years, and passed away on Saturday. RIP Charlton Heston.

Once Upon a Time in the West

I know this is Final Four weekend (being held where I currently live, San Antonio), but I’ve never followed college ball too closely. I want to talk about the most exciting playoff race ever in the NBA (at least in the Western Conference.) With about two weeks left to go in the season, here is how it stands out West (My apologies for the format of the chart, I was having trouble posting a full stat chart in readable form on the blog, and therefore had to cut out the other stats that basketball junkies like to study)…

Rank//Team//Win-loss
1 New Orleans 53-22
2 San Antonio 52-24
3 L.A. Lakers 52-24
4 Utah 51-26
5 Phoenix 51-25
6 Houston 51-25
7 Dallas 47-29
8 Denver 46-29
9 Golden State46-30
10 Portland 38-38
11 Sacramento 35-40
12 L.A. Clippers 23-53
13 Memphis 20-56
14 Minnesota 19-56
15 Seattle 17-59

The top eight teams in each conference make the playoffs. The Eastern side of things is not nearly as interesting. There is Boston (60-15), Detroit (54-21), Orlando (47-28) and Cleveland (42-34) and then it doesn’t matter. The Miami Heat, NBA champions two years ago, stand at 13-63 this year. Back to the West. The hyperbolic sports writers are correct, this is the most compelling playoff race ever. Less than ten wins separate the No. 1 spot and not making the playoffs at all. Take a look at the range between No. 2 and No. 6. With slightly less than 2 weeks to go, these games still matter. (I bet Golden State would like to have back those six losses in a row at the beginning of the season when things “don’t matter”).


ABOVE: Chris Paul: my vote for MVP this season

I’m really happy for New Orleans, a team that was in danger of being moved even before Katrina is now one of the few bright spots for the Big Easy. Chris Paul should get MVP this year. Another unlikely success story this season is the Lakers. If you remember last summer all the talk was of Kobe wanting to be traded because the organization no longer seemed to have the passion for excellence. Forget all that now. They probably got the biggest steal of a trade this season when they got Pau Gasol from Memphis. The team formerly known as Kobe and His Scrubs is now Kobe, Gasol, “next big thing” Andrew Bynum, Lamar Odom and a suddenly competent bench. The most controversial and risky trade of the season, Shaq to Phoenix, seems to be gelling and paying off just at the right time. It is insane that teams as good as Denver, Dallas and Golden State are all in a real battle just to make the playoffs. And of course, the silent killers Utah and San Antonio don’t make much news, but the Spurs are still World Champions until further notice and everybody wants to avoid Utah this year. Unfortunately, my Houston Rockets will probably once again be bounced out in the first round (another underwhelming performance brought to you by Tracy McGrady and the forever injured Yao Ming).

ABOVE: Until the Houston Rockets trade emotional basketcase T-Mac, they will not get too far in the brutal NBA playoffs

By the way, I was trying to come up with the typical sports writer title for the article, and I considered the well-worn “The Wild West”, or even "The Wild, Wild West”, or perhaps “How the West Will Be Won”…but I went with the title of a favorite Sergio Leone movie and great Dire Straits song.

The Bomb, Sex and Suburbia

I listened to a remarkable song the other day. It is a minor hit from 1954 by Bill Haley & the Comets (of "Rock Around the Clock" fame) called "Thirteen Women (And Only One Man In Town)". To really appreciate the tune, you've got to keep the context of the times in mind. Over an anxious rockabilly beat, Haley sings a song of nuclear paranoia and the ultimate male post-apocalyptic fantasy. Singing a verse in 1954 like "Last night I was dreamin' / dreamed about the H-Bomb / Well, the bomb went off and I was caught / I was the only man on the ground" invoked real anxieties in a Cold War world. But things aren't so bad, because out of the survivors "there's thirteen women and only one man in town...I had two gals every mornin' / Seein' that I was well fed / And believe you me, one sweetened my tea / while another one buttered my bread..." This is a full decade before Peter Sellers' famous fall-out shelter speech in 'Dr. Strangelove: Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb' (where the ratio of women to men was a slightly less exciting 10 to 1). Being the 1950's, sexual innuendo had to be a bit more subtle. But he ain't talkin' about tea and toast, this is a full on threesome for breakfast before moving on to more in the afternoon (the next verse makes that clear). The last verse of "I thought I was in heaven and all these angels were mine / But I woke up and ended the dream because I had to get to work on time" brings it all back home to the 50's suburban malaise; but with the sexual frustrations still right under the surface. Cold War paranoia, sexual taboo, suburban frustration...all in a two minute tune. Pretty remarkable.

Phobias

As a fan of horror movies and roller coasters, I’ve always been interested in what scares people. Of course there are the obvious ones – death, cancer, or a Democratically controlled White House and Congress. But even more interesting are the unreasonable phobias. Phobias are the type of thing that will excuse normally brave individuals when they act like frightened children. Even Indiana Jones was afraid of snakes.

I’ve got two. The first one is a phobia regarding flying stinging insects. I’m talking about bees, wasps, hornets, bumble bees, etc. Just look at this evil, menacing creature...

ABOVE: If one of these things comes near Dezmond, he will run off screaming like a little girl

Secondly, I am terrified of the ocean. While I still enjoy the beach and getting in the water, if I go out further than where I can stand, I freak out. Too many viewings of “Jaws” as a child.

ABOVE: Dez is frightened of this swimming under him in the ocean

A good friend of mine (“Johannes” on GNABB) is petrified of spiders. Similar to my reaction to evil flying stinging insects, when Johannes sees a spider…he runs off screaming like said little girl.

ABOVE: What is wrong with Johannes? As this picture clearly shows, spiders are not very scary. Johannes must be a wuss.

What are the roots of phobias? Who knows. Some are deeply ingrained survival instincts (perhaps it is good for humans to fear snakes). Some phobias can be traced to childhood traumas. So, dear readers, I’d be curious to hear about your phobias. Spiders? Snakes? Small, enclosed spaces? Small people? Clowns? Ahh, I saw you flinch a little there. Is it clowns, then? I bet you are afraid of clowns. Well, how about THIS!!!!!